Changing the Way You Think About Uncertainty

The Key to Mastering Uncertainty _______________________________________________________________________  "Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security." - John Allen Paulos It's 4 a.m. and you're wide awake, thinking about all the bad things that might happen in your career, relationships and life in general.   These thoughts are creating anxiety that is preventing you from sleeping. But, any fear you are feeling is self-imposed, and created by thinking about a scary future rather than focusing on the reality of what's happening in the present. Because, at the present moment, you are safe. There is nothing to fear other than what is being created by your imagination.   We're very good at using the power of our imagination at 4 a.m. Maybe that's when we should schedule our team calls. Everyone awake at 4 a.m. can get together and redirect the power of imaging bad things to imaging phenomenal things!  Just call 1-800 No Worry.   In all seriousness, when you are living in the misery of uncertainty about what's next in your life, sleeping at 4 a.m. is not easy to do.   We don't like the feeling of not being in control of our life.   We don't like not knowing.   We need to fill in the blanks about what's likely to happen next.   And, when you're awake at 4 a.m, you probably aren't imaging a happy future. You're likely to fill in the blanks with what you fear will happen next instead of what you desire to happen next. You get trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle about the potential for discomfort instead of a faith-driven cycle focused on pleasurable possibilities.   Although we don't like being in a place that feels like the abyss between the past and the future, that's where we live. It's called the present moment. And, as you know, it's all you ever really control. If you think you've created a secure, controllable, and predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that is an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever.   That doesn't mean that change leads to something worse. It can actually open the door to something better. And, what may feel like an abyss, is actually a place that is pregnant with possibilities - if we choose to see them. So why not take control of the moment and try a little experiment the next time you're awake at 4 a.m. Instead of filling your head with dreadful thoughts about all the bad things that you may feel are destined to happen to you - your feared future - try imaging what you desire - your preferred future. It may not be easy to do in the beginning. Thinking scary thoughts at 4 a.m. becomes a habit if repeated often enough. But again, all you really can control is the present moment. And, if you refocus those scary moments on happier thoughts often enough, you will develop a new habit that will pay greater dividends than the gloom and doom habit you're replacing. The only constant in life is that it will involve change that triggers periods of uncertainty and feelings of insecurity. Try as you may to control the future, all you can really do is trust that whatever happens, you will survive, adapt and make the best of it. You may even thrive. You've successfully traveled through periods of uncertainty in the past and you likely will in the future. They don't last forever. And, after a while you begin to realize that all you can ever depend on is your willingness to learn new skills, form new relationships, and explore new options when change redefines the future you thought was yours.   You have always been the source of your own security and you always will be. When you begin to believe this, you will have discovered the key to mastering uncertainty and sleeping through those 4 a.m.. worry wake up calls. . Read my books to learn more about responding confidently to uncertainty in your life and career.

Manage Personal Change

Everything I Know About Change I Learned From My Cats

"When one door closes another one opens. Often we look so long at the one that's closed we fail to see the one that's opened."- Helen Keller

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A few years ago, I started a new project that required me to live on the East Coast. My two cats, Jasmine and Ginger, and I flew cross-country to our temporary home. They were eager to escape from their cat carriers after our long flight. Following the advice of my vet, to introduce them to their new home one room at a time, I confined them initially to the bathroom and bedroom.  

I closed the door to the living room and let each cat out of her carrier. Ginger immediately ran under the bed and didn't venture out until the next day. Jasmine headed for the closed door, eager to discover what was on the other side. She wouldn't take no for an answer so I opened the door to let her roam. She hesitantly placed one paw on the shiny wood floor to make sure it was safe and then took off and spent the next few hours exploring her new home, while Ginger continued to hide under the bed. They both experienced the same change but responded in different ways.   

The thought struck me that cats have the same reaction to change as people. Some, like Jasmine, see change as an adventure and choose to explore the new world on the other side of the door. Others, like Ginger, prefer to hide under the bed and avoid experiencing anything different until forced to. It's not the change that makes the difference. It's what we think about the change. It's the internal battle between the fear of the unknown vs. the expectation that change will open the door to something better.  

So, what kind of cat are you?

A curious cat who accepts uncertainty as today's new normal and eagerly explores the opportunities on the other side of the door? 

A cautious cat who tests the waters to make sure it's safe to venture through the open door?

Or, a scaredy cat who hides, in what they think is a safe place, until forced to accept the reality that their world has changed?   

And, what kind of cats are you surrounded by in your work life and personal life? 

Whatever your answer, my next blog on Mastering Uncertainty will address limited thinking that makes it difficult to follow Helen Keller's advice to focus more on the door that change has opened instead of the door that change has closed.  

Please feel free to forward this and future blogs to your friends.

If Only "They" Would Change

“Be thankful for the difficult people in your life and learn from them.
They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be.” Anonymous

I always begin my change management workshops by asking each participant what they hope to learn. “I’m here to learn how to change my boss because he really needs to change,” one woman responded.  She literally thought the workshop was about how to change management instead of how to manage change. 

When life isn’t going our way, it’s easy to get caught up in the blame game and fall into the trap of thinking that if only someone else would change, our problem would be solved.  

If only…

• people who are resisting the change we are trying to lead would get on board
• our spouse would complain less and compliment more
• our boss would acknowledge what we’ve done well instead of what we can do better
• our best friend would stop talking about her problems at some point and listen to ours
• our children would listen to what we say
• our employees would do what we ask
• people would just do what they say they’re going to do.

We are surround by people we label as “difficult,” and often waste our energy by attempting to change them to be the way we believe they should be. There’s an old saying that a man falls in love with a woman the way she is and hopes she will never change, while a woman falls in love with the potential she sees in a man and sets about trying to change him to become what she believes he can be.

People typically don’t respond well to our attempts to change them. They change because they want to and not because we want them to. Trying to convince someone to change only frustrates you and makes him or her feel inadequate or more entrenched in behavior that on some level is working for them. So, since “they” aren’t likely to change, what can you do to lessen your frustration when you’re dealing with someone you would describe as “difficult”?

Consider the following:

1. Are you dealing with a difficult person or a person in a difficult situation?  Unexpected and unwanted change can trigger defensive behavior that makes an individual difficult to deal with, but has nothing to do with you. It’s their attempt to protect themselves from what they are afraid of losing. Don’t take their behavior personally. It’s more about their fears than it is about you and may subside as they adjust to their new circumstances. .
   
   
2. Are you rewarding the very behavior you’re complaining about? Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And, a lack of consequences is a form of reward.  Often we don’t realize how we are reinforcing unacceptable behavior by allowing it to continue. When our actions don’t back up our words, what we say doesn’t appear to others to be what we really mean. The rules you establish but don’t enforce with your children or performance expectations you set for employees with no accountability are examples of inadvertently rewarding what we say we don’t want.
   
   
3. Is it time to renegotiate the “silent contract?” When we form a relationship – whether personal or professional – we establish the rules of the relationship that define the roles we play and the expectations we have of each other. These unspoken rules guide how decisions are made, conflict is handled and the type of behavior that is tolerated. Change may trigger a need to renegotiate the terms of the contract. This requires having an open and honest conversation about what each person is willing to change to maintain the relationship.
   
   
4. There are going to be people in our life who just don’t like us, and that’s ok.
   Each of us is a unique individual with our own personality, values and beliefs that sometimes clash with those of others. If your reaction when this happens is to think that there must be something wrong with one of you that needs to change, you’re going to increase the probability that the majority of people in your life will be “difficult.”

When someone is driving you crazy, it’s challenging to feel gratitude for having them in your life and refocus your thinking to what you can learn from the encounter. .But, it can be very beneficial to stop and think about what your “difficult” person may be teaching you.

You can get stuck in the mindset of “if only they would change, everything would be ok” and end up focusing more on the changes you want them to make and less on the changes you need to make, which are the only ones you have any control over anyway.

And, one last thought to consider: could you be someone’s “difficult” person?

 

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©        Rita Burgett-Martell; Organizational Change Consultant, Keynote Speaker, Personal Coach - Strategic Transformations Consulting Inc; -  – (800) 441-5981 –www.amazon.com/author/ritaburgettmartell
www.changeguru.com; author of Change Ready! And Defining Moments – Available at Amazon.com

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