Changing the Way, You Think About You: How to Rethink Your Way to a Happier Life

Here’s a quiz to help you identify behaviors that may be undermining your self-confidence and preventing you from living the life you desire. Respond with a simple “yes” or “no” answer to each statement and then tally up the number of yeses.  

1.       I often compare myself to others.

2.       I make decisions based on what others tell me I should do.

3.       I would have to honestly say I sometimes take my family for granted.

4.       I find myself thinking more about the past or worrying more about the future           instead of focusing on what’s happening in the present moment.

5.       I often give up on my goals when things aren’t going my way.

6.       I believe that if I do something less than perfectly, I’ve failed.

7.       I play it safe. Taking risks is not for me.

8.       I sometimes believe I will never fall in love, and if I do it won’t last.

9.       I used to dream about the life I wanted, but not anymore. Dreams are a waste         of time.

10.   I’m always rushing to get things done and seldom have time to “smell the roses.”

Did you respond with “yes – that describes me” – to more than 2 or 3?   It’s ok if you did because there’s no pass or fail.  The purpose of the quiz is to increase your awareness of thoughts and behaviors you can change that will make a positive difference in how you see yourself and react to those around you. 

The quiz is based on one of my favorite poems by Nancye Sims called “A Creed to Live By.” I’m including it below, followed by a modified version that exams each statement and thoughts triggered for me that changed my thinking and put me on the path to experience a more fulfilling life.  I hope they will help you as well.

A CREED TO LIVE BY

Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each one of us is special.

Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.

Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.  

Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time you live all the days of your life.

Don’t give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. 

Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.  

Don’t be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it’s impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly.
The best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don’t dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope.
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don’t run through life so fast that you forget
not only where you’ve been, but also where you’re going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
- Nancye Sims

RETHINKING YOUR THINKING

Thoughts become behaviors that become habits. After a while, we just react to people and situations in the same defeatist way that keeps us stuck in a negative mindset. The glass is always half empty so why bother.

Stop it right now!

You can rethink your way to a happier life.  I’m including my thoughts in italics below and know that you will have some of your own ahas!  to add to the list, so you can begin turning your yeses to the statements in the quiz to “no’s.”

1.   Don’t undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we   are different that each one of us is special.

How often do we end up feeling inferior when we compare ourselves to others?  The reality is that each one of us is different – not better than or worse than -- only different.

2. Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
How many of us chose careers based on what parents, teachers, and/or friends told us we should do instead of doing what we really wanted to do?  If this is true for you, realize that you are an adult now and don’t need permission from anyone to make choices about your future.

3.       Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.  
We often feel like we are being taken for granted and under-appreciated.  Are we making others feel the same way? Think about that because everything can change in the blink of an eye.

4. Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time you live all the days of your life.
Do you live with regret over what happened or fear of what may happen? What happened in the past only lives on in your mind. It happened. You survived.  It’s not happening now unless you mentally recreate it. Why would you do that? The same with living for the future and thinking “someday I will do that” instead of doing it now because “someday” may never come.

5. Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. 
Old age isn’t so old anymore.  People who stay healthy can continue to be active well into their 90’s. Retirement today can mean doing less of what we use to do and more of what we want to do.

6. Don’t be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Perfection is based in fear.  We somehow developed the belief that if we are less than perfect no one will love us. People who love us know our imperfections and love us anyway, and that’s a good thing since none of us are perfect.

7. Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

 It isn’t possible to avoid risk even If you try to live your life without making any changes.  Not taking a risk means you are taking the risk of never knowing what you could have experienced if you hadn’t let fear stop you. We all fear the unknown. Faith in your abilities + courage to take that first step, overcomes fear. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

8. Don’t shut love out of your life by saying it’s impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. The best way to keep love is to give it wings.

I think we make quick judgments about people we meet when we are convinced, we won’t find the “right” one. If the right one stood before us, we wouldn’t be able to see that this one could be the best one.  Or, we are so afraid someone will leave us we try to control them instead of accepting the love they offer and loving them in return.

9. Don’t dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope. To be without hope is to be without purpose.

When you feel hopeless you also feel powerless and you stop trying. You believe there is nothing you can do to solve a problem, change an outcome, or improve your life. Ask yourself “what is the one thing I can do now to feel better?”  Only one. Muster all your energy and do that one thing. Acting moves you forward. Inaction keeps you stuck where you don’t want to be.

10. Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been but also where you’re going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Some days we go on autopilot, racing against time to accomplish all the things we believe we must do. Take a pause – just a pause - give yourself a pat on the back for how far you’ve come and what you’ve overcome. Look around you, find something beautiful, and feel gratitude for your life today.  

I would wager a bet that one of the ten statements above really hit home. That tells you this is the one you need to rethink. Small changes can produce bit results. Starting with one gets you started moving in a more positive direction that will lead to other improvements.

Becoming aware of how your thinking shapes your world gives you a powerful tool to use in any situation where you’re doubting yourself or feeling stuck in a place you don’t want to be. Rethinking your thinking is an ongoing process that will pay ongoing rewards. Start today!

© Rita Burgett-Martell; Organizational Change Consultant, Keynote Speaker, Executive Career & Life Coach - Strategic Transformations Consulting Inc; (415) 806-9484 - Author of 'Change Ready!' and 'Defining Moments'
 www.amazon.com/author/ritaburgettmartell

How To Feel Secure In Insecure Times

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, 

and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
 ~John Allen Paulos

It’s 4 a.m. and you’re wide awake, thinking about all the bad things that might happen in your career, relationships and life in general. These thoughts are creating anxiety and preventing you from sleeping. The fear you are feeling is self-imposed and created by thinking about a scary future rather than the reality of what’s happening in the present. Because, at the present moment, you are safe. There is nothing to fear other than the imaginary reality that exists only in your mind at 4 a.m.

We’re very good at using the power of our imagination at 4 a.m. Maybe that’s when we should schedule our team calls. Everyone awake at 4 a.m. can get together and redirect their power of imaging bad things to imaging phenomenal things. Just call 1800 no worries.

In all seriousness, when you are living in the misery of uncertainty about what’s next in your life, sleeping at 4 a.m. is not easy to do. We don’t like the feeling of not being in control of our life. We don’t like not knowing. We need to fill in the blanks about what’s likely to happen next. And, when you’re awake at 4 a.m., you probably aren’t imaging a happy future. So, you’re likely to fill in the blanks with what you fear will happen next instead of what you desire to happen next. You become trapped in a fear-driven thought cycle instead of a faith-driven cycle focused on pleasurable possibilities.

Although we don’t like being in a place that feels like an abyss between the past and the future, that’s where we live.  It’s called the present moment.  And, as you know, it’s all you ever really control. If you think you’ve created a secure, controllable, and predictable life for yourself, you can rest assured that is an illusion. Nothing stays the same forever. That doesn’t mean that change leads to something worse. It can actually open the door to something better. And, what may feel like an abyss, is actually a place that is filled with possibilities – if we choose to see and explore them.

So why not take control of the moment and try a little experiment the next time you’re awake at 4 a.m.  Instead of filling your head with dreadful thoughts about all the bad things that you believe are destined to happen to you – your feared future - try imaging what you desire – your preferred future.

It may not be easy to do in the beginning. Thinking scary thoughts at 4 a.m. becomes a habit if repeated often enough. But again, all you really can control are the thoughts in your head at the present moment And, if you replace those scary moments with happier thoughts often enough, you can develop a new habit that will pay greater dividends than the gloom and doom thinking habit you’re replacing.

The only constant in life is that it will involve change that triggers periods of uncertainty, feelings of insecurity but also opportunities to create something better. Try as you may to control the future, all you can really do is trust that whatever happens, you will survive, adapt, and make the best of it. You may even thrive.

You’ve successfully traveled through periods of uncertainty in the past and you likely will in the future. They don’t last forever. And, after a while you begin to realize that your true source of security is not a job, relationship, position or a certain amount of money that can all disappear in the blink of an eye.  Your true source of security can’t be taken away from you. It is your willingness to learn new skills, form new relationships, and explore options to create a new future when change has redefined the future you thought was yours.

Change can be paralyzing—or it can create an opportunity for you to become a better version of yourself. You have the power to choose which it will be for you.

You have always been the source of your own security and you always will be. When you begin to believe this, you will have the power to turn uncertainty into opportunity and sleep through those 4 a.m. worry wake up calls.

© Rita Burgett-Martell; Organizational Change Consultant, Keynote Speaker, Executive Career & Life Coach - Strategic Transformations Consulting Inc; (415) 806-9484 - Author of 'Change Ready!' and 'Defining Moments'
 www.amazon.com/author/ritaburgettmartell

Second Chances

"It’s never too late to become what you might have been." — George Eliot

When Joe’s manager began the conversation by saying: “I want you to know how grateful we are for your twenty years of valuable service to our company,” Joe expected to hear that he was being promoted, or at least receiving a pay increase. After all, his performance reviews had never been less than stellar.

it came as a shock when what he heard next was: “our company is moving in a new direction and unfortunately your skills aren’t the skills we need. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.”

It was a defining moment when Joe realized that doing a good job no longer guarantees that you'll keep your job.

Mary and her husband were finalizing the details of the cruise they planned for years to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. She was really looking forward to spending more time together now that their youngest child had left for college.

She thought her husband felt the same way until the week before they were scheduled to leave on a cruise and he told her that he was leaving her. He was no longer in love with her and wanted a divorce.

It was a defining moment when Mary discovered that living happily ever after sometimes doesn’t last forever.

Pat was feeling guilty asking the question: “is that all there is?” In the eyes of the world, Pat had everything anyone could possibly want. The only thing that was missing was inner peace.

Paralyzed by the fear of giving up stability for uncertainty, concerned about what people would think and wanting to avoid the disruption of change, Pat felt stuck and miserable in a life that was no longer fulfilling, and on a path leading to a future that was no longer desired. An internal change had triggered the need for an external change.

It was a defining moment when Pat realized that it doesn’t matter how perfect your life looks to others, if it doesn’t make you happy it’s not the life for you.

Defining Moments Can Become Redefining Moments

Whether you experience a change in your job, relationship or level of satisfaction with your life, each defining moment carries with it the opportunity to redefine your future. Change has taken away an imagined future, without providing a clearly defined future to take its place. In the blink of an eye the secure future you thought was yours can evaporate, leaving you feeling lost and confused. That’s why we often react to change with denial and attempt to hang on to a future that continues to exist only in our mind.

For a while, you live in an uncomfortable in-between world that is filled with possibilities you may not be able to fully comprehend. Fear can cloud your vision and prevent you from seizing the moment to create a life that could be better than the one change has disrupted.

“ When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

The choices you see and the decisions you make in those moments of uncertainty redefine the future course and direction of your life.

Change Creates Second Chances

It’s very likely that you will experience moments in life when change creates an opportunity for you to take a different path. You can explore new worlds you never imagined possible and you can resurrect dreams that were once eliminated by choices you made years ago.

Change creates a second chance to become what you might have been, if you had made different choices.

For Joe, Mary and Pat, change created a 3-pronged fork in the road where they could choose to:

1.    Replicate the same path and seek replacements for the employers, spouses and contentment change took away.

2.    Forge an entirely new path, rooted in the wisdom one gains from making poor choices and learning to make better choices suited to who they are and what they need today.

3.    Rekindle dreams from the past that places them on a path to becoming what they might have been, if they had made their own choices instead of making choices based on what someone else thought was best for them.

It may be difficult to view change as a beginning rather than an ending, but the reality is that change is neutral. It can create a rainbow of possibilities, a bright sunny future, or a world that is so dark you go in circles because an exit sign isn’t visible.

The color you choose to paint change is up to you, because the paintbrush is in your hands.

Disruptive, Uncomfortable and Inevitable

Change can be disruptive and uncomfortable, but it is inevitable.

Take a moment to think about what your life would be like if you avoided change based on fear of venturing out of your comfort zone.

You would still be crawling around on all fours and wearing diapers. Not a pretty picture.

You would remain uneducated since you wouldn't have wanted to change from one grade to the next every year.

You would still be living at home with your parents because you wouldn't have wanted to make changes required to become independent.

How many relationships would you never have experienced if you hadn't made changes that put you in a place to meet those people?

What career opportunities have come your way because you were willing to change direction, and how many have you missed out on because you weren't?

Since change is inevitable, why not turn it into a redefining moment that gives you a second chance  to make the choices you wish you had made and become the person you always knew you were meant to be.

If a second chance sounds good to you, it’s probably time you took it.

Speaking from first-hand experience, the uncertainty and disruption you may experience will be well worth the inner peace and pride you feel when you know you’ve chosen the path that is the best for you.

It would be a shame if you passed up your second chance to become what you might have been, because in the words of Rabbi Hillel:

“If not now - when?”

Sharing Your Second Chances

Do you have a story to tell about how you redefined change to create a second chance to create the life you desire? Your story can be an inspiration to others. Please share it with me at rita@changeguru.com so I can share it with others in my next book.

Rita Burgett-Martell; Organizational Change Consultant, Keynote Speaker, Personal Coach - Author of Change Ready! and Defining Moments. Strategic Transformations Consulting Inc; www.yourchangeguru.com - (415) 806-9484 – www.amazon.com/author/ritaburgettmartell