If Only "They" Would Change

“Be thankful for the difficult people in your life and learn from them.
They have shown you exactly who you do not want to be.” Anonymous

I always begin my change management workshops by asking each participant what they hope to learn. “I’m here to learn how to change my boss because he really needs to change,” one woman responded.  She literally thought the workshop was about how to change management instead of how to manage change. 

When life isn’t going our way, it’s easy to get caught up in the blame game and fall into the trap of thinking that if only someone else would change, our problem would be solved.  

If only…

• people who are resisting the change we are trying to lead would get on board
• our spouse would complain less and compliment more
• our boss would acknowledge what we’ve done well instead of what we can do better
• our best friend would stop talking about her problems at some point and listen to ours
• our children would listen to what we say
• our employees would do what we ask
• people would just do what they say they’re going to do.

We are surround by people we label as “difficult,” and often waste our energy by attempting to change them to be the way we believe they should be. There’s an old saying that a man falls in love with a woman the way she is and hopes she will never change, while a woman falls in love with the potential she sees in a man and sets about trying to change him to become what she believes he can be.

People typically don’t respond well to our attempts to change them. They change because they want to and not because we want them to. Trying to convince someone to change only frustrates you and makes him or her feel inadequate or more entrenched in behavior that on some level is working for them. So, since “they” aren’t likely to change, what can you do to lessen your frustration when you’re dealing with someone you would describe as “difficult”?

Consider the following:

1. Are you dealing with a difficult person or a person in a difficult situation?  Unexpected and unwanted change can trigger defensive behavior that makes an individual difficult to deal with, but has nothing to do with you. It’s their attempt to protect themselves from what they are afraid of losing. Don’t take their behavior personally. It’s more about their fears than it is about you and may subside as they adjust to their new circumstances. .
   
   
2. Are you rewarding the very behavior you’re complaining about? Behavior that is rewarded is repeated. And, a lack of consequences is a form of reward.  Often we don’t realize how we are reinforcing unacceptable behavior by allowing it to continue. When our actions don’t back up our words, what we say doesn’t appear to others to be what we really mean. The rules you establish but don’t enforce with your children or performance expectations you set for employees with no accountability are examples of inadvertently rewarding what we say we don’t want.
   
   
3. Is it time to renegotiate the “silent contract?” When we form a relationship – whether personal or professional – we establish the rules of the relationship that define the roles we play and the expectations we have of each other. These unspoken rules guide how decisions are made, conflict is handled and the type of behavior that is tolerated. Change may trigger a need to renegotiate the terms of the contract. This requires having an open and honest conversation about what each person is willing to change to maintain the relationship.
   
   
4. There are going to be people in our life who just don’t like us, and that’s ok.
   Each of us is a unique individual with our own personality, values and beliefs that sometimes clash with those of others. If your reaction when this happens is to think that there must be something wrong with one of you that needs to change, you’re going to increase the probability that the majority of people in your life will be “difficult.”

When someone is driving you crazy, it’s challenging to feel gratitude for having them in your life and refocus your thinking to what you can learn from the encounter. .But, it can be very beneficial to stop and think about what your “difficult” person may be teaching you.

You can get stuck in the mindset of “if only they would change, everything would be ok” and end up focusing more on the changes you want them to make and less on the changes you need to make, which are the only ones you have any control over anyway.

And, one last thought to consider: could you be someone’s “difficult” person?

 

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©        Rita Burgett-Martell; Organizational Change Consultant, Keynote Speaker, Personal Coach - Strategic Transformations Consulting Inc; -  – (800) 441-5981 –www.amazon.com/author/ritaburgettmartell
www.changeguru.com; author of Change Ready! And Defining Moments – Available at Amazon.com

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